A Personal Story

Submitted: October 28, 2001

Shared By: Adrienne
Age: 23
Weight: 160
Height: 5'4

Do you smoke tobacco? No

Did you have a pregnancy test? Yes
When was it taken? Wednesday, 10/10/2001
What was the result. Positive
If more than one test was taken please include info for each one. Two at home pregnancy tests taken on 10/10/2001, both of which were positive. The first brand was called "Answer", the second brand was "Equate". Both were purchased at Wal Mart. The pregnancy was confirmed by my school health clinic on 10/11/2001, and again much later at the abortion clinic on 10/26/2001. All positive.

How was the pregnancy ended? Abortion by suction/cuttelege with general anesthesia

Were you successful in using the herbs? No
Would you try herbs again, or recommend them to a friend in the same situation? Yes
Is this your first pregnancy? Yes

What was the date of the first day of your last menstrual period? 8/3/2001 (actually this was in the middle of my period, I just know the day because I was moving that day and remembered I had my period while it was going on)

Do you know the date of fertilizing intercourse? What was it? Not for certain. My best estimate is 9/5/2001

What was the date you were expecting menstruation? No clue. I have always been irregular. I have polycystic ovaries and HPV and have been medically diagnosed as infertile. I have never taken the responsibility of tracking my cycle or understanding anything about the female aspects of my body such as vaginal secretions, etc. I had never even heard of this until I found your website. I grew up in a very fundamentalist Protestant home. When I got my period at eleven, I didn*t even know what was happening to me. I thought it meant I was pregnant (I didn*t understand the mechanics of that either). I wasn*t allowed to watch "secular" television or movies, or listen to "secular music", and if my parents found any "non Christian" books in their daily searches of my room, they were confiscated and later burned. When I got the courage to go to my mother about my period, All she would tell me was it was part of the "Woman*s Curse" because Eve had sinned. I had my period very heavily (six-eight maxi pads per day) for two years after that and had no idea that wasn*t normal. I thought it was part of "the curse". However, I am not implying that my upbringing is completely responsible for me never gaining the knowledge I was denied. I just wish I had known how important that knowledge was before lack of it caused me to have an unwanted pregnancy

How long do your cycles usually run? I don*t know. The longest my bleeding has lasted is two years, the shortest is half a day. I*m really irregular. I don*t know about my cycle beyond when I bleed. (But I*m learning now)

What was the date when the herbs were started? 10/10/2001
How many weeks pregnant were you when the herbs were started? Not sure, probably around 4-6 weeks
For how many days were the herbs used (total)? 6

What was the date the pregnancy was terminated? 10/26/2001 at 11:25 AM

Were you using birth control? NO
What kind/method of birth control/contraception were you using? Luck

If you were not using birth control, please share why not. Historically, I have a pretty high external locus of control, and am very much a proponent of "what*s meant to happen will happen". I have been diagnosed as infertile and have been having unprotected sex for three years, often several times a day (yea, even after I got the STD)

I*m starting on the pill after this, because I think the universe has been telling me to be more responsible for a long time. Sometimes it has to smack me pretty hard before I*ll listen. Strangely enough, being pregnant was a bigger tragedy to me than having an STD. Oh, by the way, if you didn*t read above, the STD I have is HPV (Human Pappilloma Virus), the virus that can cause genital worts and ovarian cancer. 60% of women in the United States have it. That number is increasing, and most aren*t even aware they are carriers. You can get it by just touching an infected area (ie handjobs, fingering) as well as by oral and penetration sex. Most men that get it don*t actually "get it" and are carriers. So I would urge everybody who’s reading this to get checked, especially if you*ve had several partners. If detected early, if you get regular pap smears you can control it pretty well and greatly reduce the likely-hood of it giving you cancer.

Did you experience any symptoms or signs of pregnancy? Yes. In Mid to late September, my body felt like it does right before my period- cramping, bloating, emotional rollar coaster,- my boyfriend even said it smelled like I was about to have my period. But my period never came. Then one day, I was going through the fridge looking for something to eat. I saw ice cream and thought "gosh, that would taste really good with pickles". Then I stopped dead. I knew I was pregnant.

When did they start? Mid to late September. After reading your website, I gather that was probably when I would have naturally had my period if I wasn*t pregnant.

Please include a summary of dosage information.

-Vitamin C, Chewable tablets (gets gross after awhile, tastes like orange Crush soda but with like eight million times the normal carbonation) from 500-2000 mg, usually around 1000 every hour. I was rather sporadic at night, but I would always get in at least three doses while I was "sleeping", sometimes I awoke every hour. I*ve never had to use an alarm clock, my body naturally wakes up when it*s supposed to. I told my body to wake up when it needed more Vitamins/herbs to accomplish the abortion. Also, I absolutely loathe schedules, and watches stop when I wear them (actually I have met several people that do this, including a college professor, so it*s not just faery-talk) I did the Vitamin C consistantly for all six days.

- For the first and second days, I did about 1000 mg Dong Quai in the form of 400 mg capsules from Wal Mart whenever I did my Vitimin C. Then I did 1000 mg more sporadically, usually accompanied by the other herbs as well.

-Black and Blue Cohosh in no set dosage, anywhere from two to four- five 540 mg capsules (from Garner*s Health Food Store) I only did this about seven times because they made me so ill.

- I also tried every single trick I could find on the site. I wore really, really tight jeans everyday (I usually only wear broomstick style skirts, or loose dresses, I despise anything binding esp.. pants), including on a six hour car ride both ways. I smoked pot and opium (even though I*ve been there, done that and got a whole rack of t-shirts, I went back to my old ways in hopes that it would help), I drank liquor and "Hard Lemonade" (I was like, "wow, alcohol plus extra vitamin C). I went to the health club to this sadistic aerobics/ weight lifting class called "Body Pump". I sat in the sauna until I almost passed out. I took scalding baths every night. The only thing I accomplished was giving myself a nasty yeast infection. I did many rituals and visualizations. I talked to the baby a lot. First I was really hostile towards her, and thought of her as this cancerous growth that I just wanted out of my body as quickly as possible. Later she told me her name, and we got pretty close, but more about that later. I also masturbated a lot (ouch, I was really really sore as it was) to try to make my uterus go into contractions. I was tempted to go on a MiniThins (the little white pills truckers take to stay awake.. Ie legal speed) binge, but I was constantly so nauseated the very idea of popping those nasty little things made me shudder.

Side effects. How did the herbs affect you? Ugh. Terrible ! They made me constantly nauseated. I vomited several times, one of which was while I was driving. They gave me the most heinous headache I*ve ever experienced. (I think it was the Black and Blue Cohosh that did this, the Dong Quai was okay on its own)The last day I used the herbs, I could do nothing but lay in the fetal position and vomit all day. My mother was ready to take me to the hospital and was really worried about me. So I finally told her about it.

Any positive effects? Not really except the Dong Quai made me really alert and kind of sexually aroused

Do you have any health problems or issues? I have a lot of issues (LOL)
If yes, do you think it had any affect on the way the herbs affected you? I think I was meant to be pregnant, and meant to have an abortion. Again, I will go into more detail below. I guess that could be considered as my "issues affecting the way the herbs affected me".

Also, I*m 160 lbs and have a pretty strong constitution and have done more drugs than I care to count in my lifetime, so it usually takes a lot of any drug to affect me, so maybe that had something to do with it.

How did the herbs make you feel physically? See above. Also, I felt really "dry", not just in my vagina but all over. I also felt really sore and raw in my vagina.

How did being pregnant make you feel physically? I couldn*t eat and felt nauseated. My nipples were really tender. My vagina was terribly sore and having sex was agony. I was really exhausted and had to force myself into doing any physical activity. I just wanted to sit outside and contemplate the leaves.

Could you reflect on the process of a herbal abortion and write a paragraph about it. I would like to add something of this nature to my website, but would like other experiences to draw upon besides my own. Thanks.

It was pretty frustrating for me because I felt like my body was betraying me. Everyday I used the herbs was like a battle against my own body and each night I went to bed utterly exhausted. Usually I have control over my body, but I felt like I was begging and begging it to do something and it was refusing. I would go in the bathroom like every twenty minutes to see if I was bleeding yet, and any little twinge in my female areas would send me into ecstasy- thinking the miscarriage had come- and I would jubilantly run into the bathroom again , only to find my body had tricked me. I read the website a lot, and it helped me to be not so afraid. But I refused to read any of the accounts of failed abortions, in fear that it would put doubt in me and further foil my efforts. Also, nine times out of ten times I logged onto your site, I would get a message saying it had exceeded its transfer limit. This had me pulling out my hair !! It was like I was drowning and someone was telling me my life preserver had exceeded its transfer limit !! I felt very unpoweful and unmagickal- like all my power and magick was defeated because my body was designed by nature to be a breeding machine. I got really jealous and angry at all the accounts I read of women who started bleeding like 12.5 seconds (exageration) after they started the herbs. I know I should have been happy for them, but my brain was screaming "Why can*t I be like this- Why do I have to suffer !!" That*s not to say, I don*t think herbal abortion is a wonderful thing. I am so glad to know that you*re out there, doing what you*re doing, giving us more power over our own bodies. But for me, this experience was meant to turn out the way it did, and actually having the clinical abortion allowed many wonderful things to occur.

Your Story -

As I said above, my family is very conservative and very Christian. I live in a small Southern city. My family is pretty prominent in the community and in the church. I was a Debutante. My getting pregnant outside of wedlock would have the same socio-economic effect on my family and me as me, say, becoming a serial killer or a child molester. My father, brother, and I would lose our jobs (I work in the church nursery and substitute teach at the church preschool). My mother would lose everything she cares about- all her committees and such that she*s head of. To some people that*s not a big deal. To some people, my family*s concerns are really shallow, but they*re my family. They suck sometimes but I love them, and if something*s important to them, I try to respect it. Beyond just social concerns, there is no way I*m ready to raise a child, or even be pregnant for that matter. I would be so resentful of the baby it would probably be psychologically scarred for life, even if I gave it up for adoption. In addition, I spent eight months living in third world conditions on a sustainable ranch, where I helped raise awareness about World Hunger, and especially about how overpopulation contributes to that. I have moral issues about reproducing at all- if I ever have children, I want them to be adopted (I am adopted- and I say that now but who knows how I*ll feel when I*m thirty). Needless to say, when I found out I was pregnant it was a total freakout. The father is even more irresponsible than I ever thought of being. He can*t pay his hospital bills, his legal fines, or even his grocery bills half the time.

Yet he wanted me to have it- I suppose he thought I could just toss it on the couch in his trailer and feed it Wonder Bread every now and then. When I told him I was having an abortion, and I needed money (my parents control my bank account) he said, "YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU MONEY TO KILL MY BABY !!!" He was really unsupportive, every time I tried to talk to him about what I was going through he would tell me what a hard time he was having because four other girls had "killed his babies" (you*d think this would encourage him to wear a condom) . I felt like there was no way I could tell my family. I honestly thought they might murder me rather than have me dishonor the family.

So I had no clue how the hell I was going to have an abortion. The herbs weren*t working and I was growing more and more desperate. At that point I still referred to the baby as "the cancerous growth". I would rail at it and tell it to get the hell out of my body. I felt like I had been abducted by aliens and they had planted a monster inside me who was trying to destroy me.

The weekend after I had found out, I went to my aunt*s house in Lady*s Island, a sea island off the coast of South Carolina. I was lying in bed, and I decided to get in contact with the spirit of the child. The night before, I was at my boyfriend*s getting high and drunk and I felt "the quickening" as my friend Marsha calls it (she*s pregnant too but keeping it). I felt the baby inside me, felt life inside me. I knew it was a spirit now, and I couldn*t just keep treating it like an alien implant or a cancerous growth. I went into a state of shamanic consciousness and I was inside my womb- it was this pink world- and I was talking to her. She was a little girl with long blonde hair. I asked her why she wanted to be born into such a world. And all of the sudden I saw flowers everywhere, She wanted to see flowers, she said. I asked her her name. She said "Alice Flower Dragon-Fey" (My boyfriend*s nickname is "Dragon" and mine is "Faeryprincess" hence Dragon-fey) I told her she couldn*t be born in this world right now, that I wasn*t ready. But I didn*t want her to feel like she didn*t have any choices. I told her that she was going to be ejected from my womb before she was actually born, and she could either go to the white light and be reborn to someone else, or she could go to the green light, and to the Faery, and either live there always or be born to me when I*m ready, but if she went there she would always have the option of going to the white light if she didn*t like it. Then I was back in my normal consciousness before she answered me. I guess she wanted time to think.

That night in my dream, she answered me. I have a place I go at the beginning of all my dreams, visions, and shamanic journeys. It*s my private place, so I won*t go into too much detail. But under the big oak tree in the centre, the hollow one with the stairway into the upper and lower worlds, there was a bassinette. So I knew she had chosen to go into Faery.

The next day, I went out to do a ritual to release Alice*s spirit. I usually don*t plan my rituals, they just kind of happen. I found this big Live-Oak tree near the ocean. It was covered with Spanish moss, and it was so beautiful. Growing on it was this huge vine that had grown in a loop, so it made a shape like a womb. In the centre, where the walls of the womb would be if the vine actually was a womb, there was a flower growing. But instead of petals it had these clusters of purple berries- exactly what I envisioned the cluster of fetal cells in my uterus to look like. I ran my hand up the stalk, plucking all the berries, and sprinkled them around the base of the room. I felt something nudge me and looked down. A bit white dog I*d never met had come out of nowhere and was looking at me like "I understand." Then something else caught my eye. It was a white egret flying over the ocean like Alice*s soul flying away. I felt reconnected with my magick, and my power, and my spirituality then, and ,more at peace than I had in a long time. This has been the roughest year of my life. I*ve had a lot of other problems besides pregnancy, culminating in me moving back in with my parents after living on my own for four years of unchecked Hedonsim and unpaid bills. All the impending shit that had been building up for so long came crashing down on me all at the same time (going into all of it would take a novel- let it suffice to say that Jerry Springer, penny dreadfuls, and modern rap have nothing on the past twelve months) and I thought my magick had abandoned me. I felt totally ensared in the mundane world and the bonfire of my usual intense spirituality was barely glowing coals. But they had been fanned back to flame.

So I kept on with the herbs, thinking that surely that ritual was a sign it was going to work. Still no luck. Three days after the ritual, was the day I was so ill I couldn*t move except to vomit, and I finally told my mother. She got this terrible look on her face like someone had died. Then she said, "I don*t know how I can call myself a Christian and knowingly allow you to do this. But I know this is the best choice for you and there*s no way I would make you carry this baby." She agreed not to tell my father (who most likely really would have gotten physically violent, he has with me before for lesser offences , and who at the very least would be really verbally abusive and constantly tell me what a slutty whore I am) She also agreed to help me out with the rest of the money (The abortion with anesthesia cost $475, and I had saved up $235). The biggest thing was, she walked beside me into the abortion clinic, even though all her friends and associates at the Christian coalition were scheduled to protest there that day. (They ended up not being there after all, perhaps via my mother*s influence, perhaps because they don*t wake up that early, I don*t know).

I believe that before birth, the child*s soul chooses its parents to help both parties to achieve their soul*s purpose for that lifetime. I see my mother having so much to teach me, and me so much to teach her, and I see this as divinely inspired, especially due to the fact that she adopted me. She teaches me lessons about responsibility and the positive aspects of structure and tradition. I have taught her that there can be beauty in a free spirit, that things aren*t always black and white, and that everything the church /clergy/Christian coalition tell her isn*t always "gospel" - sometimes love isn*t about playing by the rules. I think my having this abortion, and the part my mother played in it has helped both our souls to learn some deep lessons. And I think Alice*s soul chose me to aid in that.

Alice was really understanding and supportive about my aborting her. I think some people*s soul purpose takes many many years, but Alice*s purpose in this lifetime was fulfilled in a few short weeks.

For those of you who are going to have to have a clinical abortion, I completely feel that your experience is a direct result of your attitude about it. There were fifteen women in there with me that morning to have abortions. Five of us younger women banded together and had our own support group. One of the girls was seventeen. She was really scared, she hadn*t slept the night before, and she was definitely not at peace with her decision. Even though she had anesthesia, she was doubled up in pain and twitching afterwards for two hours before they would even let her out of the recovery room (recovery room time is usually thirty minutes) . I really tried to be there for her, and I reassured her the whole time up until she walked into the room. Being there for her, and the other girls, was another reason I think it was meant to happen. I couldn*t change the attitude of the one who was the most afraid, but I think I helped a little at least. The other girls, I felt like I really helped, and all of them had pretty good experiences. I myself was really positive the whole time. I was totally at peace with it. I had a little cramping when I woke up, but that*s to be expected. They told me I would bleed heavily for at least four days, have terrible cramps, and not be able to get out of bed for two. That was yesterday. I stopped bleeding after a few hours, and I haven*t had any pain since. Of the other women, at the clinic, the trend was consistent. The ones that went in with a negative attitude and expectations about what was about to happen, and who allowed themselves to be overcome with fear had a lot of pain and bleeding and trauma, and those of us who at least tried to have a positive attitude came through fine. It was as if the other women were punishing themselves, or shaping their realities based on their expectations. Yea, some of the nurses were rude to me, Yea the temperature in the clinic wasn*t geared perfectly to my body temperature, and Yes, one of the ladies in the recovery room told another lady to "shut her up so she doesn*t scare somebody" because I was crying while I was coming out of anesthesia (I stopped on my own when I heard that, because I didn*t realize I was crying and I really didn*t want to freak anybody out)- but it was just another day at work to them, and I wasn*t expecting to be waited upon by angels, so I didn*t let it get to me.

I know this is long, but it*s my story. I hope it helps at least one person to not be so afraid of what she*s going through or about to go through. I was terrified and angry, but this experience helped me realize that even though shit happens, the Universe (or God, Goddess, Buddha, Martha Stewart, or whoever) will take care of you, and what*s supposed to happen will. Blessings to you. And may this experience grant you the peace it has me.

- Adrienne-

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