A Personal Story

submitted May 1998

(NAME) Naomi
(rate) learning
(success) no
(Done differently) Made a focused meditative ritual with the help of other people less personally involved.

It sounds like a great idea on sharing stories, my story ended not quite how I had imagined. But I have wrote my story below.

On finding I was pregnant 21 months after my first beautiful girl was born I made a decision to not to have this baby, an extremely emotional and heart heavy choice.

My first daughter had been born with a cleft palate a big surprise not seen until the midwife dreamed to look into her mouth a week later when I had unexplained breast feeding difficulties. I expressed my breast milk with an electric pump for 12 months every 2 hours of everyday.

Our lives were practically stopped outside our little girl's operation and our breast milk commitment. She is now a healthy happy loving girl who has finally built a immune system that can protect her after its initial depletion.

Now when we discovered this pregnancy we felt very heavy in our ability to parent another child with our total commitment while still giving our beautiful girl her extra needs (speech care, ear and throat care). So my journey to asking this child to come again at another time began, I was studying herbalism at the time and with information from books, web sites like Sister Zues's and advice from my herbalism teacher I started meditating and talking with the baby, rubbing pennyroyal oil on my belly and third eye and drinking teas of pennyroyal, black cohosh, blue cohosh, and rue every 3/4 hours.

After 1 week of nausea and dizziness I asked my teacher to make up a tincture, because I found the teas to much to drink while feeling so nauseous. I took the tincture for 2 weeks and after my 22 birthday felt the need to make a final decision what to do if the herbs would not work in this case, a lot of emotions unable to let go.

A friend who had an herbal abortion at 3 months term after drinking 2 teas gave me support and advice sharing her decision of having a termination if her body would not let go.

After three weeks I booked a termination, giving myself a week to work inside my heart and body to let this baby go in the least forceful way. The night before the date set we meditated and I drank the final teas and tincture and imagined a slow release in the night awaking with the baby born.
Next day no blood and with a strong heart we dressed prepared in silence, dropped our girl with a friend and drove peacefully to the clinic.

It was over in a daze being under general anesthetic leaving there without feeling confused but truthfully a bit relieved. That night I felt surprisingly positive, then about 10pm with our girl asleep I began to shake with a deep sadness and terror, feeling alone and guilty, my body beginning to remember the feelings of the termination.

It took a week of mourning, flower essences, homeopathics and shiatsu massage and lots of tearful talking to feel positive about a choice I would like to make differently if it comes again. So I tell people in the same position to take time to nurture your feelings and your body and make the decision with love and commitment.

Thanks for listening,

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